Success

Not Paying for Our Son’s College is one of the Best Decisions We’ve Ever Made – for Him

Not paying for our son’s college has been a great decision. It may not have started out as some genius parenting move. But in hindsight, I believe it may be one of the moves that has benefited him most.

Like millions of others across the country, our family embarked on a new adventure this fall, sending our oldest son off to to college and praying that he remembers all the good Scan things we’ve taught him (and that he forgets all the bad).

For some reason, I never really imagined this day would come. Sure, we’ve spent the past 18 years trying to prepare him to be a good and productive citizen in the world. But as a mother, I don’t know if I will ever truly be prepared to let go.

Thankfully, our son is ready – not just for college, but for life.

Whatever happens in the future, God-willing, I know he will land on his feet.

How can I say that with such confidence? Because I had the privilege of watching him prepare for college. This past year, my husband and I witnessed a transformation in our son that could only come from taking responsibility for his own future.

We saw first-hand the look of concern when he realized the cost of college for his first year, even after having obtained a full tuition scholarship. We watched that concern turn into determination as he began working long hours so that he could afford his room and board. We were impressed as he sacrificed nights out with friends, purchased little and kept close track of his account. We felt the pride he took in his accomplishment as he watched his savings build up over time. And the moment I heard him say, “I am not going to get a student loan,” I knew he had achieved victory over a culture that had spent an entire election year telling him, not only that everyone needs a student loan to afford a college education, but that those student loans should be forgiven and college should be “free.”

The Eleventh Commandment

Paying for our kids’ college has become almost the eleventh commandment of parenting in our culture. I know a lot of fine parents who do it. And I’m certainly not knocking them for it, because I also know a lot of fine kids who’ve been the recipients of the generosity of those fine parents.

But in our case, not paying for our son’s college has been a great decision. It may not have started out as some genius parenting move. But in hindsight, I believe it may be one of the moves that has benefited him most.

That said, this responsibility is not something we threw at our son last minute. Long before our kids were out of elementary school, my husband and I decided that we were not paying for college. There were essentially two reasons for this. First, we didn’t believe we’d be able to afford college for six kids without having some serious financial struggles. Second – and I’m embarrassed to admit it – I was the poster child for “entitled” teens when it came to my own college education, and I did not want to see that side of me in my own children. More on that later.

Needless to say, our kids have all been told from Day One that we will not be paying for their college; and so far the first three have taken us seriously. Please don’t read this post as an arrogant pat on our proverbial backs. I am the first to admit that there are plenty of things my husband and I could do better as parents.

But thankfully, in this area, it appears we may have done something right.

I’m sure a key component of our son’s success was the voice of Dave Ramsey wafting through the airwaves of our house day after day. NO DEBT, NO DEBT, NO DEBT, NO DEBT has been a message our kids have heard loud and clear for many years. And while, if you are a Dave Ramsey fan, you know that one of his steps to Financial Peace is, in fact, Saving for Kids’ College, we have always told our kids that paying for college is not our job.

Bucking the System

Our message to our children? You may call it harsh. Our kids call it love:

If you work hard, you will be rewarded with scholarships and job opportunities. But if you don’t care enough about your own education to work hard and earn it, then why should we be willing to foot the bill?

I don’t think we ever worded it quite that way. But that was the message in a nutshell.

Face it. While there are some children with learning or other disabilities who might have greater challenges in the grade department, the majority of kids are perfectly capable of performing above and beyond – both in school and out. Whether they do or not is pretty much up to them.

And you know what?

So far, our three teens have worked hard.

They have owned their educations.

As I mentioned above, our first graduated this past spring with high honors and was offered a full tuition academic scholarship to a state university this fall. And he’s not some amazing anomaly in that way. Many of his friends and relatives received academic scholarships as well.

Also mentioned above, our son is responsible for his own room and board, which is a pretty steep requirement, considering freshmen are required to live on campus and – based on our income – he wouldn’t qualify for financial aid. But he was undeterred. Once he realized he was just under a year from graduation and nowhere near secure enough to get through school without a student loan, he kicked it in gear, with nary a word from Dad or Mom.

I will admit, I was a little surprised at first. This was a kid who always wanted the latest gadget and the nicest clothes, and he ate out virtually every day through the first three years of high school – all of this with money that he’d earned through part-time jobs, of course. He had never been a big saver. Despite all our talks about being prepared, I did think he might have to learn the hard way that he would indeed be responsible for his own education.

But I was wrong. Thankfully, our son did have an appreciation for the value of work. As in, he knew where to go if he wanted money. And boy, did he go. That kid spent all summer and much of last year working for a local landscaper. He worked more hours than I’ve seen any teen work in my life. We’re talking 12-14 hour days, and several 80 hour weeks. He came home filthy, day after day, often seven days per week, with grass-infested socks that virtually destroyed my washing machine.

But he was happy.

Not only did he save enough money for the coming school year, but he also had plenty left over to purchase his first car. He opted to treat himself by paying cash for a 2007 BMW. I should add that as a result, he also obtained his own car insurance, for which he alone is financially responsible.

I will admit that I am a proud Mama. But I am not sharing this with you in order to brag. I know too many amazing parents and I don’t feel qualified to comment one iota about what constitutes great parenting. Instead, I am simply here to share what the responsibility of paying for college has done for our son.

The American Dream

Through this process of working and saving, our son has become a man. And he feels like a man. He knows that he earned the grades that brought him a scholarship. He knows that he earned the money that has allowed him to live in a great dorm and pay for his food and books, his phone and now even a parking pass. No one handed him a ticket to prosperity or success. He can honestly say that he owns his education. And he stands a little taller because of the investment of sweat equity and patient saving that he has made toward his future. Even more, as a result of his accomplishment, he now feels empowered to achieve just about any goal he sets for himself.

The amazing thing? Our son’s success is no one-hit wonder. We have witnessed this maturity in our next two children as well. They’ve heard the same message from Dad and Mom. And they have the added benefit of witnessing the fruits of their brother’s labor. They want those fruits, and they, too, have been putting in the labor.

One of the greatest things we can teach our children, aside from the love of God and neighbor, is an appreciation for hard work. And in this world – a world where we are knocking down every barrier and squashing every potentially character-building experience – an appreciation for hard work is sorely needed.

In not a small way, our son has already experienced a piece of the American dream. It doesn’t matter what you start with. It doesn’t matter where you come from. In our country, if you are willing to sacrifice and work hard, the sky is the limit.

When I hear politicians and college students complain about how college tuition should be “free,” I cringe. It is not simply a book or a class that that provides an education. Even more profound are the effects of the blood, sweat and tears students invest in the process.

I ought to know. I’ve been on both sides of the fence.

Entitlement is Not a Virtue

Remember when I said I was the poster-child for entitlement? Well, I certainly wasn’t raised with a silver spoon in my mouth. Even more shameful was my behavior because I was raised by a single mother. My mom worked very hard to keep food on the table, and as much as she would have loved to make it happen, she could not afford to send me to college. Unfortunately, no one in my family had ever been to college and I never really thought about what it would take for me to go. There was no serious discussion about saving or scholarships (and if there was I didn’t listen); I just assumed I was going to college when I graduated from high school.

Imagine my shock when my mother broke the news during my senior year that we could not afford a 4-year college and that I would have to attend a community college the following fall. Nothing against community college; but I was surrounded by friends who were going to attend universities and rather than appreciate the opportunity, I felt cheated. Eventually I did transfer to a university; but I took every advantage of my mother’s generosity while I was there. You see, my mother was so proud to have a daughter in college that she probably would have sacrificed her food or even her electricity just to make sure I was comfortable. When she visited, she brought groceries. She sent money when I complained of being broke. One summer she even paid my rent while I worked PART-TIME. She did everything she could possibly do to help me succeed. In effect, my mother owned my education.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining about my mom. Her generosity was limitless. But I took great advantage of her. At the time, I didn’t appreciate her sacrifice one bit. I felt “entitled” to a college education. And other than studying for my classes, I was expected to sacrifice for very little to obtain it.

Fast forward a few years. Shortly after my husband and I were married, I was admitted to a Master’s Program. I was smart enough to know that this part of my education rested squarely on our shoulders – no longer could I depend on my mother. That being the case, I got to work applying for scholarships day and night – something I had never done in my undergraduate career. I worked. I studied, pushed myself. For my efforts, I was awarded with a graduate assistantship, which paid for a majority of my program. My husband and I lived on a tight budget, saving for books and living on little so that we didn’t go into debt while living on one income. My hard work paid off in many ways. I was nominated by a professor for a national “student of the year” award in my particular program, and I received a well-paying internship just out of college that led to a great full-time position. Last but not least, I graduated without one cent of student loan debt.

When I stepped out into the world after graduation,

I was proud of myself.

I stood a little taller.

And I felt a lot more confident.

For the first time, I had owned my own education.

This sense of accomplishment was something I had not experienced during my undergraduate years. But I wanted it for my kids.

Through my experience, I learned that when things were handed to me, it was very easy to take advantage. And the more I accepted, the harder it became to stand on my own two feet. I took, and I didn’t think twice about it. Not until I was forced to do things for myself.

I’m sure there are many kids who benefit from their parents’ generosity and who appreciate it immensely, never taking it for granted for a moment. But as I look around at the culture, I am pretty sure there are many more whose undergraduate experiences resemble my own.

Again, please do not take offense to this post as braggadocios or judgmental. I share our son’s financial success simply to offer what I think today has become a minority perspective. College is doable. And it is something our children can accomplish for themselves. Without loans. Sure, this might be a challenge if they opt for a private school; but regardless, isn’t it possible that we pay our kids a disservice when we carry them through the first adult thing they do?

We opted not to carry our son. And we are pleased to see that he is standing pretty securely on his own two feet. He might not admit it, but I’m willing to bet that preparing for his first year in college might just be the most rewarding experience he’s ever had. And I’ve no doubt that it will lead to many more.

The Real Value of Work

We learn through work that patience matters. That, eventually, given great effort day after day, year after year, we’ll see results. Through our experience in work, we can deduce that that progress in the spiritual life is slow, but that it will pay off. We learn that we don’t necessarily have to see the big picture in order to know it’s there.

Recently I heard some horrific statistics regarding young men and their participation in the work force. The host of a national radio program cited an article from The Washington Post that referred to recent research demonstrating a growing tend in America. Apparently, not only are about 20% of young men between 21-30 years of age out of work, but they aren’t too upset about it. Instead, they are finding satisfaction in video games, computers and television, while living in their parents’ basements. Most in this group have not held a job of any kind in at least a year. Staggering. As such, this is the first generation to feel no guilt about a virtual no-show in the work force, or about being dependent upon parents or the government dole.

While this news is shocking, the astute have been warning about this problem for the past several years. In Bill Bennet’s, The Book of Man, published in 2011, he quotes another author,

There is trouble with men today. For example, after studying today’s workforce data, author and commentator David Brooks observed that “in 1954, about 96 percent of American men between the ages of 25-54 worked. Today that number is around 80 percent. One-fifth of all men in their prime working ages are not getting up and going to work.”

There are many reasons for this change in society. Bennet, himself, cites video games, single parenthood, corrosive entertainment and a lack of religion, among other things.

Whatever the cause, I want to discuss one particular concern among the many overwhelming consequences this lack of discipline and drive among our young men will reap on their souls. One young man profiled in the Washington Post article – who holds an Associates Degree, by the way – had some words that should give us great pause:

“When I play a game, I know if I have a few hours I will be rewarded” he said. “With a job, it’s always been up in the air with the amount of work I put in and the reward.”

That quote got me thinking about the true value of work.

Of course, there are the obvious things. Work is necessary in a civil society, allowing us the ability to support ourselves and our families – as such it is often the conduit through which God provides our daily bread. Work is good for us both physically and intellectually. God called man to work, telling Adam, “in the sweat of your face you shall eat bread” (Genesis 3:19).

But what concerns me most is how much work provides for us spiritually, how perfectly our experience with work can reflect our spiritual journey, and how this disconnect with work is will result in an even greater disconnect with the spiritual in our young men.

Labor is a physical manifestation of the spiritual effort we must continue faithfully throughout our lives in order to obtain union with God.

Just as the carpenter must continue to hew the wood, patiently carving, hour upon hour, day by day, seeing the end product only in his mind’s eye, so too, we must continue to pursue heaven, trusting that, indeed, “no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man conceived, what God has prepared for the who love him” (1 Corinthians 2:9).

Just as the bricklayer lays brick after brick, taking care to place each and every one exactly to plan, not seeing the end of his work, but only trusting in the plan of the architect, so we, too, must continue to pursue excellence with every step, trusting the architect of our lives to create something magnificent from the application of our best efforts to some of the most mundane tasks, day after day after day.

If the carpenter quits before seeing the final product, it will be forever hidden within the confines of the wood. In that case no one will ever see the beauty hidden within. And the wood will never realize its intended end.

If the brick layer allows himself to get tired on the job, his work will be sloppy, and his building will not be up to par. The plan may have been correct, but the brick-layer’s carelessness will cause problems for him, for anyone who works beside him, or anyone who plans to use that building that he so carelessly built. We, too, must apply the utmost care every step of the way, for our work affects those around us in ways we may never witness.

In our vocations as fathers, mothers, husbands, wives, priests, consecrated singles and others, we must not simply plod along, but rather work with passion and purpose – and great care – from hour to hour, day to day. Never mind the monotony; never mind the challenges; never mind the tiresome little crosses we must bear.

We learn these things through a consistent experience with work. Not necessarily paid work. As a stay-at-home mom, I certainly see the connection between my work life and my spiritual life. I toil day after day, trusting in God’s plan for my children. I see glimpses here and there, but so often as a mother, I am tempted to throw my hands up at what appears to be the futility of the work. I’ll never be able to do this job right. This is too much. It is too thankless. It will never be finished. Too often I fail to see the fruits of my labor.

No matter. I am only called to lay the bricks according to God’s plan. I must trust that He will work everything out for the best. Day after day, I must rejoice even in the mundane. I must bring my all to the job that, frankly, doesn’t always offer positive feedback. But there is one way that my experience differs from that of the bricklayer. The architect may not be standing alongside the bricklayer, assuring him and encouraging his progress. In our case, Christ is with us. He helps us to lay that brick. He applies the mortar so all our efforts build toward the finished product, which is the eternal happiness of heaven for ourselves and our families.

If we ignore the architect, if we lose faith in the finished product, if we try to follow our own plans, we will look back and wish we would have paid closer attention, that we would not have trudged along with such half-baked effort. For our lives will be scarred reflections of our own sloppiness, our lack of patience, diligence and discipline.

Ultimately, work gives us evidence in the physical realm of what religion can do for us in the spiritual realm. According to Saint John Paul II,

(9) Work is a good thing for man-a good thing for his humanity-because through work man not only transforms nature, adapting it to his own needs, but he also achieves fulfilment as a human being and indeed, in a sense, becomes “more a human being”. – Laborem Exercens

To the extent that our young men are not “achieving fulfillment” as human beings, we cannot possibly achieve fulfillment as a society.

Even more importantly, if we do not teach our young men to have patience to perform a good job in pursuit of long-term satisfaction on earth, how will they ever be able to pursue the long-term satisfaction of heaven? If the immediate feedback from a video game trumps the long-term satisfaction of a job well-done, how will they ever be willing to do the work necessary on earth now, that one day they might hear these glorious words from heaven:

Well done, my good and faithful servant…enter into the joy of your master.”

The Unholy Family

Most of us were born into an unholy family. Actually, that family – unholy as it may be – is the best way for each of us to make our way in this world, the greatest vehicle known to man for our sanctification.

What do you get when two fallen people fall in love and commit to spending the rest of their lives together, struggling through this thing called life, climbing, stumbling, and climbing again; pulling each other up when we fall, sometimes tripping over each other along the way?

You get the precious seed of a holy family.

Your marriage may not be perfect. No worries. So long as you remain committed through the ups and downs and ins and outs of your relationship. Because the commitment itself will provide you both with the room you need for that seed to take root and germinate.

Marriage gives love the structure, the shelteredness, the climate in which alone it can grow. Marriage teaches spouses humility and makes them realize that the human person is a very poor lover. Much as we long to love and be loved, we repeatedly fall short and desperately need help. We must bind ourselves through sacred vows so that the bond will grant our love the strength necessary to face the tempest-tossed sea of our human condition. – Dietrich von Hildebrand, Marriage: The Mystery of Faithful Love

And what do you get when those two people give themselves completely -at least to the extent that two fallen human beings can give themselves – to one another in love?

This is when love can produce life, and through this act that delicate greenery breaks the surface of the ground, growing more beautiful by the day through the waters of baptism, the nutrients of love and sacrifice provided daily by the parents, with the light of Christ shining down from above in grace and mercy.

This is when you get a family.

You may be thinking, My family doesn’t come close to that image. When you look at your family, you may be discouraged by what you consider to be an infestation of individualism and idiosyncrasies. No one seems on the same page at the same time and polar opposites can be found in every corner. You may be worried that your family may never blossom.

Yours may not be a holy family.

In fact, yours may be an unholy family.

That’s OK.

The modern writers who have suggested, in a more or less open manner, that the family is a bad institution, have generally confined themselves to suggesting, with much sharpness, bitterness, or pathos, that perhaps the family is not always very congenial. Of course the family is a good institution because it is uncongenial…

…The best way that a man could test his readiness to encounter the common variety of mankind would be to climb down the chimney into any house at random, and get on as well as possible with the people inside. And that is essentially what each one of us did on the day he was born.

This is, indeed, the sublime and special romance of the family. It is romantic because it is a toss-up…

…When we step into the family, by the act of being born, we do step into a world which is incalculable, into a world which has its own laws, into a world which could do without us, into a world that we have not made. In other words, when we step into the family, we step into a fairytale. – G.K. Chesterton, On Certain Modern Writers and the Institution of the Family

But how, given the widely varied personalities involved in a family, the different values and goals, the wild adventures and the unknown outcomes, do we grow holy in that environment? How can we begin to turn in the same direction, linking arms as we walk through this vale of tears, climbing together to the summit of heaven?

We sacrifice.

We serve.

We let go.

We love.

(15) The human family, disunited by sin, is reconstituted in its unity by the redemptive power of the death and Resurrection of Christ.[37] Christian marriage, by participating in the salvific efficacy of this event, constitutes the natural setting in which the human person is introduced into the great family of the Church.

(21) Family communion can only be preserved and perfected through a great spirit of sacrifice. It requires, in fact, a ready and generous openness of each and all to understanding, to forbearance, to pardon, to reconciliation. There is no family that does not know how selfishness, discord, tension and conflict violently attack and at times mortally wound its own communion: hence there arise the many and varied forms of division in family life. But, at the same time, every family is called by the God of peace to have the joyous and renewing experience of “reconciliation,” that is, communion reestablished, unity restored. In particular, participation in the sacrament of Reconciliation and in the banquet of the one Body of Christ offers to the Christian family the grace and the responsibility of overcoming every division and of moving towards the fullness of communion willed by God, responding in this way to the ardent desire of the Lord: “that they may be one.” -Saint John Paul II, Familiaris Consortio

So we keep working. In our roles as parents, and in our roles as children, we sacrifice. We serve. We let go. We love.

And when we fall, we get back up and we begin again. Through reconciliation.

Through the life-giving love of the sacraments, the nutrients of our daily sacrifice, and by the grace-filled rays of Christ’s mercy, little by little, our families can become holy. That is when that tiny seed, planted in marriage, germinated in love to become a family, will begin to bloom. And the fragrance will intoxicate the world with its beauty.

But for now…

Face it. Your unholy family is the most amazing adventure you’ll ever find in this life. And the more wild the adventure and the higher the mountain you must climb together, the sweeter the victory when you reach the top.

Let us be grateful for our unholy families, and let us pray that we can unite ourselves to His Cross; that the Blood of Christ will wash away our sins, our pain and our tears along the way. Ultimately, may our families experience the joy of a love that is absolutely and completely self-giving, and together may we find the fruit of salvation through the embrace of the cross.

Greatest Predictor of Success: Science and the Bible Agree

You might be surprised to know that God and science agree on the key to success. Read more to find out how you can be successful in this life and the next.

Ever wonder just what might be the greatest predictor of success? And when I say success, I mean the whole enchilada – happiness, financial security, relationships – everything. Well, Science has found the answer.

Go ahead and guess.

Rich parents?

Intelligence?

Hard work?

Good Looks?

None of the above. It turns out the greatest predictor of success in this life is….

The Ability to Delay Gratification.

That’s right. And it’s been tested. Several times.

In a recent Stossel in the Classroom segment, John Stossel talked about a study done with marshmallows that demonstrated the value of self-denial. There’s a TED talk about it too.

Apparently, for the study, originally done in the 60s, social scientists took four-year-old children and placed them each in a room. The moderator would say, “I have a marshmallow for you. You may eat it right now. OR, if you can wait until I return in 15 minutes, I will give you a SECOND marshmallow. In the original study and in every reproduction to date, only one third of the kids were able to avoid eating their marshmallow. (Videos on the TED Talk of kids trying to wait are priceless).

Researchers followed up on the kids. 15 years later, 100% of those children that had not eaten the marshmallow were successful. According to Stossel, the kids who did not eat their marshmallow within the 15 minute time period scored an average of 213 points higher on their SATs. They were happier and healthier. Years later, “they make more money, they are happier, they have better relationships, and they are less likely to get into trouble” than those kids who had not been able to resist the treat.

Research showed that kids who did eat the marshmallow were more likely to struggle in life. On average, they had more relationship troubles, didn’t do as well financially and tended to be more unhappy.

The truth is, as much as the ME-culture of instant gratification and self-indulgence would like us to believe that it is guiding us to the greener pastures of personal fulfillment and joy, no one is brought to greater happiness through self-indulgence. Like sin, the ME-culture sucks us into a cavern of darkness which leads us deeper and deeper into the blackness until we are so lost we cannot find the light.

For those of you who were doubtful, it turns out – according to the omnipotent and all-knowing halls of science –

Self-Denial is Good for Us.

Self-denial is not – contrary to popular belief – about shackling ourselves to an earthly life of misery and unhappiness. It doesn’t mean torturing ourselves to lead lives of drudgery and self-imposed sacrifice.

Maybe self-denial – even in this world – is about opening doors and widening our options. Because apparently, self-denial begets success. Self-denial begets happiness.

Which brings us to our Faith.

What is the great command of discipleship – as symbolized by the very Cross upon which our Salvation hung?

From the mouth of Christ,

“If any man would come after me, let him DENY HIMSELF and take up his cross and follow me.” (emphasis mine) (Matthew 16:24) (Mark 8:34) (Luke 9:23)

In the words of Saint Paul,

I appeal to you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. (Romans 12:1)

We are called to deny ourselves in this world, that we might enjoy eternal happiness in the next. What is that denial but the ultimate in delayed gratification?

Most interesting about this scientific finding is that in virtually all circles, we hear that this world and the next do not value the same things. Either you can live for this world, or you can live for heaven. But you cannot do both. In Scripture, we are warned about the temptations of this world. But while there is a culture out there promoting the opposite of self-denial — self-indulgence, instant gratification, gluttony — that culture is contrary to the truth that is engraved on the heart of every one of us. How could the laws of this world ever truly contradict the laws of Him Who made this world?

They couldn’t. Happiness in this world and happiness in the next must be consistent. Because happiness can only be found in Good.

So the next time you hear the above verses, don’t moan and complain as you drag that cross along behind you or slump sulkily up onto that altar. Remember that when you wail about self-denial you are as amusing to God as a small child at nap time who denies with his whole being that sleep is good for his peace and contentment.

Your happiness in the next world is contingent upon your denying yourself in love. For God. But here’s the amazing thing. Your goal is not merely greater financial gain. But research shows that you’ll probably have it. Your goal is not merely better relationships. But research demonstrates that you’ll probably have them. Your goal is not ultimately happiness in this world. But the science shows that you’ll probably have it.

I know what you are thinking. As Christians, we know there is no guarantee that if we deny ourselves we will reap worldly rewards. True. But could it be that we have been so frustrated by the wrong-spiritedness of the “Prosperity” Gospel (Just have faith and you can have whatever you want) that we make following Christ out to be just the opposite? A joyless duty? Could it be that in effort to avoid the silliness of the that false teaching, we’ve pushed back too far?

Apparently, it just isn’t true that you must be miserable here in order to be happy in eternal life. Apparently, if you live for God in this life, you need not wait for eternity. You will most likely enjoy greater success and happiness here on earth as well.

Bottom line, on this subject Science and God are preaching the same message:

Self-Denial will reap great rewards.

Pick up your cross. You’ll be glad you did – maybe sooner than you think.

The Eleventh Commandment

Bucking the System

The American Dream

Entitlement is Not a Virtue

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